Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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