it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
