went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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