p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
