Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
