i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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