Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
