She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
