I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
