I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
