who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The beer is more important than you right now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
