see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
