Your face is a jimmy john
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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