I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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