we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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