you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
