My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
