How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
