saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
