Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
