What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
