I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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