why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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