there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
