i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
