yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
