this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
