I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
