DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
