I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
