Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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