What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
