It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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