his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
