Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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