I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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