he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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