Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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