How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
barbara walters just said penis...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
