i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
