happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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