shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
