Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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