i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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