Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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