I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
