someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
