you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
