Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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