Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
whose parrot is this?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
